The row started over a teapot. Not the house, not the ISA, not the premium bonds - a chipped blue teapot that had been on their mother’s hob for forty years. One sister said, “Mum promised that to me.” The other went quiet in the way that makes a room smaller and said, “She promised it to me last Christmas.” They both turned to me, the probate solicitor at the end of the table, as if I might produce an answer from a file.
I reached for the Will. In the tidy, formal script that solicitors like, their mother had written the sentence I dread most:
“I leave my personal possessions to my children in equal shares, to be divided between them as they shall agree.”
On paper, it looks fair, generous even. In practice, it is the line that sets siblings against each other more often than any tax clause or trust structure I’ve ever seen. Money divides cleanly. Objects carry history.
The good news is that the fix is almost embarrassingly simple. It is not a complex trust. It is not a family summit with flipcharts. It is one, often-ignored form that lives quietly next to your Will and behaves like a peace treaty when you are no longer in the room to referee.
The sentence in the Will that lights the fuse
Most parents don’t want to play favourites in writing. They’ve spent a lifetime smoothing over squabbles about bedrooms and car keys; the idea of putting “The diamond ring to Emma, not to Daniel” can feel cruel on the page. So they write something soft instead. “Divide as you shall agree.” “Share between you.” “Take what you would like.”
From my side of the desk, I see what happens next.
The child who lived closest has keys and habit on their side. They start tidying, “just to help”, putting keepsakes to one side for themselves. The child who lives further away walks in three weeks later to a half-empty wardrobe and a hall that smells of fresh paint and estate agents’ flyers. Suddenly the question is not who gets the teapot; it’s who got to rewrite the story of their parent’s life.
The law does not tell you which child gets which mug. It simply says the estate must be administered in line with the Will. When the Will is vague, the argument fills the space it leaves.
What makes it so bitter is that the objects in question are rarely expensive. It’s not the Tesla; it’s the toolbox. Not the antique bureau; it’s the recipe book in three different handwritings. Those are the things that hold being chosen inside them.
That is why one short, unfussy document - a letter of wishes - can do more to keep the peace than pages of tax planning.
The quiet form that does the heavy lifting
A letter of wishes is not glamorous. It is usually one or two sides of paper, often typed, sometimes in biro, signed and dated, and stored with your Will. It is not a separate Will. It is not sent to the Probate Registry. It does not go on public record. It is a private note from you to the people who will sort out your affairs.
In that note, you say the things the Will is too blunt to say.
- Who should have which specific items – the ring, the record collection, the paintings, the tools.
- How you would like disagreements to be handled – toss a coin, rotate choices, or give the final say to a particular person.
- Why some decisions that look unequal on paper are, in your mind, already balanced by what you did in life.
Done well, a letter of wishes feels like you walking back into the room, putting the teapot down in front of the right person, and saying, “I remember that day in the kitchen; this is for you.” People rarely argue with that.
Under English law, a letter of wishes is usually not legally binding in the way a Will is, but executors almost always treat it as gospel. They want to do what you wanted. They also want everyone to stop shouting. This little note gives them a script.
One executor told me afterwards:
“The Will told me what to do. Your form told me how to do it without losing my brother.”
How to write a letter of wishes that actually works
The mistake people make is either not writing a letter at all, or turning it into a second, vaguer Will. A useful letter of wishes is short, concrete and human.
1. Start with the flashpoints, not everything you own
You don’t need to list every mug. Focus on items that have:
- High sentimental value – jewellery, family photographs, heirlooms, letters.
- High dispute potential – collections, tools, artwork, hobby gear, anything several people admire.
- Family symbolism – the armchair everyone sat in, the clock you wound every Sunday.
Name the person, name the object, and, if it helps, name the memory.
“I would like my sapphire ring (in the blue box in my top drawer) to go to Sophie, as I promised her on her 21st birthday.”
That one line will do more work than “share my jewellery equally” ever has.
2. Be specific enough that no one needs to guess
Vague descriptions cause almost as much trouble as no description at all. If you write “my ring”, but you have three, you have not solved anything.
Include:
- A short description (“silver locket with tiny dent on the back”).
- Where it normally lives (“in the green jewellery box on my dressing table”).
- If there are similar items, a way to tell them apart (“the one with Dad’s initials inside”).
Let’s be honest: nobody really does this for every object. You simply do it for the ones that would spark a story over the washing-up.
3. Give your reasons where the maths looks odd
Sometimes equality on paper is not fairness in context. Perhaps you:
- Paid a house deposit for one child but not the others.
- Supported a business venture for one sibling that did not work out.
- Are leaving more to the child who has done most of your day-to-day care.
A paragraph in your letter of wishes can explain that.
“I have left a slightly larger share of my estate to Alex. During my lifetime I was able to help Beth and Rory with deposits for their homes, and I have not been able to do the same for Alex. This is my way of balancing that. It is not a reflection of greater affection for any of my children.”
You would be amazed how often that paragraph is the difference between hurt and understanding.
4. Make it easy to follow, easy to update
Treat your letter like a living document:
- Type it if you can, to avoid misreading.
- Sign and date it, so your executors know which version is current.
- Store it with your Will, but don’t staple it to the Will – staples can cause problems if the Will is later removed from the file.
- Update it after big changes – marriages, divorces, births, big gifts, or major purchases.
It takes ten minutes. It can save ten years of awkward Christmases.
What happens when the form is there
Back to my teapot sisters. In their case, the Will had that vague line, but tucked behind it, in the back of the file, was a folded sheet of paper in a wobbly hand. Their mother had written a letter of wishes with another firm years before, and someone had sensibly sent me a copy.
Halfway down the page it said:
“The blue teapot on my hob is for Claire. It came from her first flat and I have borrowed it ever since. Lisa, you have the big white casserole dish we bought together in John Lewis.”
The tension didn’t magically evaporate, but it changed shape. The argument was no longer “You’re grabbing”; it was “Mum wrote this, and we are cross with the situation, not with each other.” They both cried. They both laughed about the casserole dish. And we moved on.
It took five minutes to read. The letter itself probably took their mother less time to write than one of the Sunday dinners that made those things matter.
The other fights this “boring” form quietly avoids
A good letter of wishes does more than allocate ornaments. It can:
- Guide the sale of the family home – Do you want one child to have first refusal at market value? Would you prefer it sold and the proceeds split?
- Explain choices about guardians for minor children – Why you chose one sibling over another, and that it is not a slight.
- Soften the blow of unequal gifts – Especially where you are leaving more to a child with disabilities or greater financial need.
Used alongside a sound Will, it closes the gap between what the law can say and what you would say if you were sitting at the table.
| Problem | Likely outcome without a letter | How a letter of wishes helps |
|---|---|---|
| “Divide my possessions as you agree” | Endless negotiations, simmering resentment | Clear list of who gets which key items |
| Unequal shares with no explanation | Assumptions of favouritism | Written reasons most people can accept, even if they disagree |
| No guidance on selling the house | Stalemate over timings and price | Stated preference: sell, keep, or offer first refusal |
It is not magic. People can still ignore your wishes. But most do not. They are mourning, tired, and looking for direction. You can be that direction, even if you are no longer there to answer questions.
If you have already made “the mistake”
If you are reading this and can feel that vague clause from your own Will ticking like a small bomb in a drawer, don’t panic. You usually do not need to rewrite the whole Will to fix it.
You can:
- Ask your solicitor for their letter of wishes template (most firms have one).
- Fill it in, sign and date it, and send them a copy to store with your Will.
- Tell your executors – and, ideally, your family – that it exists.
If you are comfortable, talk them through the broad strokes now. The hardest conversations I see are the ones that should have happened at the kitchen table while everyone was still alive to roll their eyes and move on.
And if your Will is very old, or you have had major life changes, use this as a nudge to review it properly. The letter of wishes is not a sticking plaster for a fundamentally broken Will. It is a bridge between a good Will and the real people who have to live with it.
This is information, not a verdict
One last, important note. I am a solicitor, but I am not your solicitor. This is a sketch of a common problem and a common solution, not tailored legal advice. Laws differ slightly across the UK, tax rules change, and family dynamics are gloriously complicated.
What does not change is this:
“The Will passes on the money. The letter of wishes helps preserve the relationships.”
If you take nothing else from the chipped teapot and the blue casserole dish, take this: you do not have to leave your children to “sort it out between them”. A single, modest form, tucked behind your Will, can quietly hold the line when you are no longer there to.
FAQ:
- Is a letter of wishes legally binding? In most cases, no. It is guidance rather than law. But executors and trustees almost always follow it closely unless there is a very good reason not to, because it gives them clear evidence of what you wanted.
- Can I handwrite my letter of wishes? Yes. It does not have to be typed, witnessed or notarised. It should be clear, signed, and dated. Typed is easier to read, but a neat handwritten note is perfectly acceptable.
- Do I need a solicitor to write one? You do not have to, but it is wise to let your solicitor see it, to check it does not accidentally contradict your Will or create confusion. Most firms will provide a simple template.
- Can I change my letter of wishes without changing my Will? Yes. That is one of its strengths. You can update or replace it as often as you like, so long as your core Will structure still makes sense with it.
- Is this the same as a pension “expression of wishes” form? Not quite. Pension providers have their own expression-of-wishes forms, which tell trustees who you would like to receive your pension benefits. A letter of wishes is your own document, usually guiding how your executors and trustees handle your estate and belongings more broadly. Many people sensibly complete both.
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